email to Luana

November 1996

Serenity Amidst Chaos

As the season changes again, and we begin to prepare for the inward nature of winter… how many of us consciously use this as an opportunity to regain serenity in our busy or dramatic outer lives? During this season of harvest and thanksgiving, can we make an inventory not only of our material successes, but of our spiritual accomplishments? "Spiritual accomplishment" may seem like an oxymoron, but the point is that we may not recognize or honor the evolution and karmic purging that has brought us to this point in life. Particularly for those who are experiencing difficulty during these ever-accelerating times: can you see that only through your hard work and evolution have you been allowed to face such a grand and empowering lesson? The greatest challenges are also the greatest lessons, and it takes a great deal of strength and wisdom to give thanks for these opportunities of growth and soul advancement.

How do we find or create peace amidst outer events that challenge our very existence? How do we move from despair to surrender? From hopelessness to confidence? From anger to forgiveness? How do we let go of the pictures we hold so dearly as to whom and what we must be? The paradoxical answer is both complex and simple at the same time. Often we must travel through the maze of complexity before we can see and comprehend the simplest answer. We somehow know that there is a simple answer, but we punish ourselves for not knowing it before we have journeyed to it. In other words, we are goal-oriented, instead of process-oriented. We are caught up in the doing, rather than just Being.

The illusion we hold so dear is that we can and must figure it out. We somehow believe that if we could just figure out the right answer, the right choice, then it will all go away and we can return to paradise. Why do we give our minds such complete power? Why do we believe that there can only be one right choice? How many times have you reached the point of despair and given up, only to be immediately rewarded with the elusive answer or saving grace?

Allow yourself to fully enter into the golden light of the harvest season. Take the metaphor of the gathering of abundance, and use it to take stock of your spiritual growth. Give yourself credit for how far you truly have come on this path. As you begin to feel the golden light emanating from within, ask to be shown how you can share this feeling with those still focused on lack and loneliness. Reflect back the light you see shining from within them, and show them their beauty and strength. If you cannot find it within yourself, then go and find it within others. As you stand in the presence of others, consciously breathe in peace, and breathe out the desire to understand. In the vastness of time and space, align your breath with the pulse of Universal Consciousness. Feel how unimportant it is to know "why?"

As you prepare for the silence of winter - again - allow yourself to enter into the metaphor of hibernation to detach from the busy and chaotic parts of life that you identify with so strongly. Once you are within the cocoon of self-regard, will you ever feel the same about that busy outer self? The busy-self fights against hibernation because it knows it will cease to exist there. It knows it will have little value against the backdrop of serenity and calm clarity. It whispers fear to you, but if you keep your senses turned within, you will emerge with the metaphor of Spring, reborn and purified of your struggle-self. You must turn to the quiet darkness, in order to rest and rejuvenate. Here, away from the din of busy outer self, you will hear the quiet calm voice that teaches you how to Be. It does not teach with words or thoughts or events. It simply teaches by breathing in and out, quietly unfolding into the unspeakably vast inner space that says nothing and knows everything. It has no need to know, and so all is revealed.

Some of us find that inner vastness - the fertile void - through meditation or spiritual practice. If this does not work for you, then allow yourself to find it in other ways. Go on a weekend silent retreat in Nature. Take a long bath and listen to inspirational classical music. Let your daily exercise be your meditation. Find a creative outlet that holds such an intense focus that you transcend your mundane life. Nurture the relationships and friendships that are unconditionally supportive and accepting. Give to others what you seek for yourself. Find ways to open yourself to the perfection of the moment, rather than focusing on the unknown future.

As most of you know, I am moving through the grief process this year, after having lost my baby daughter Hanna on Dec 22 last year. We have added another layer to that process by choosing to pursue another pregnancy immediately: I am now in my 7^th month and am expecting a little boy on Jan 22. I find that it is a great challenge to be completely present: being pregnant tends to bring up painful memories of our loss, and fears about this baby’s safety. The only way I can stay centered is to continue breathing into this moment, into this baby, this soul’s gift to our family.

During my pregnancy with Hanna, I kept feeling two souls around me, and for awhile was convinced that I was having twins. When it was confirmed that I had only one fetus, my immediate response was that there was a 2^nd soul waiting to come in, immediately after Hanna. This was not necessarily what I had planned, but I felt it so strongly that I decided to just be open to whatever it meant. Of course, after I lost Hanna, I was grateful for the presence of this 2^nd soul, who was willing to come into our family after such a loss. I have felt such great love from both of these souls as I have journeyed through the darkness of grief, and then the brilliance of joy and hope.

It has given me the depth and strength to use this loss for my personal growth, and as a way to expand my compassion for others. When I travel into the vast inner space, and look at this event in the context of limitless time and space, I experience how it melts into the tapestry of all the mothers who have lost children… and all the mothers who have had the strength to try again. I draw strength from them. I am washed by their tears, and renewed to be present in my reality - in this time and place. I am no longer alone in my grief and strength. I am part of the fabric of timeless human experience. I am Every-Mother, Mother Earth, Goddess-Mother, sister, daughter, and grandmother. Their grace, wisdom and innocence accompany me on the next leg of this journey… and I am challenged to accept it without judgement or fear.